Understanding the Handshake
By Jack Schuck
Grasping Success
As far as first impressions go, shaking someone's hand has a major impact. Within seconds of meeting another person we decide many things: whether we like them, whether we believe they are honest or dishonest, or whether they are confident or insecure. These opinions shape our initial view of another person, which impacts the relationship as a whole, so it is important to understand the complexities of the simple handshake.
Before we can understand the handshake we must first discover why we shake hands. In Rome, around Medieval times, two men would grasp each others forearm in an attempt to find hidden daggers. I like to refer to this style as the Braveheart-Shake because it is seen often in Mel Gibson's famous movie. We've moved the position to a Palm-to-Palm shake since then, but we are still, in a way, gauging people's character. Palm-to-Palm became popular later on not as a form of greeting, but actually as a sort of duel between rivals. Two men would lock hands very similar to today's handshake, but would then begin to fight for dominance (like arm-wrestling, but more focused on the hands). The point of this was to force your opponent's palm up, while yours faced down in victory. This proved that you were stronger and held power over the other person. This became known as having the “upper-hand” or advantage.
When we shake our neighbor's hand today, or we greet a colleague, most of us are not checking for hidden weapons or starting an honor duel, we are greeting them instead. Much has changed since the times of William Wallace, but the Braveheart-Shake held the key to the signals of the modern handshake. “You can not beware of something until you are aware of it,” this old quote is perfect for the signals of a handshake because if you do not know what to look for in a handshake, then that used car salesman is going to be laughing when you drive off the lot in that ticking time bomb he called a car.
The Rule of Thumb³
“look them in the eye and give them a firm squeeze,” is the most popular “rule of thumb” that our father's tell us as children and, unlike opening a 401(k) or studying hard in school, this isn't good advice. There are three important parts to the handshake. First, the position of the hand is incredibly important because there are many significant signals being conveyed there. Next, the pressure of your grip. This is often described as the most telling aspect of the handshake, but that is not true. The final part of the handshake is the most overlooked and that is the space between individuals when they shake each others hand. Position, pressure, and space all make up the handshake and the proper and improper actions of each hold different signals.
Position of the hand communicates power, dominance, and the status of an individual. There are four different positions in the handshake, but only one of them is correct.
1) Even Position (Level Position) – This is the correct position of the handshake. Each thumb knuckle should point up and each palm should face neither up toward the ceiling or down toward the floor. The two hands should be mirror images of each other. This is known as the Even, or Level, handshake because neither person's palm is facing up or down, so neither has the “upper-hand.” Even though we do not play out hand-wrestling duels in our time, the meaning is still here. This handshake communicates a level of comfort, respect, and equality. It is the most effect handshake when trying to build rapport.
2) Submissive Position – When your palm is facing upward, you are giving the other person the “upper-hand.” This is usually seen as weak or insecure. The more parallel your palm is toward the ceiling the more submissive you appear. This handshake should be avoided at all cost in a business setting unless you need to meet one or both of these exceptions: an apology or respect. The Submissive Position effectively displays honesty and sincerity. Also, you can use the position to convey subordination or if you do not want to come across too strongly.
3) Dominant Position – Facing your palm toward the floor gives you the “upper-hand” and puts you in a dominant position. Leading by demanding respect and having power and control seems like a good idea, but this is not okay if you are trying to build rapport. Although this position should generally be avoided, it can be used if the other person chooses to use a submissive position. Like the Submissive Position, angle is a huge factor here. The more parallel your palm is toward the floor, the more dominant you appear. If you are forced into a dominant handshake, turn their hand to the level position.
4) Power Position – What happens if you can't force their hand? Well, then they have you in Power Position, which makes you look inferior. If you want to appear arrogant and selfish, then feel free to challenge everyone you meet. If you are looking to make a positive impression then this position should be avoided at all costs. Most people do not want to be put into a Power Position, so to achieve an Even Position, step into the other person with your left foot, then follow through with your right.
How firm should you shake hands with someone? This is a very important question. Like many of you, I was told by my father to “look them in the eyes and give them a firm handshake.” He told me that anyone can read my personality based solely on the pressure of my handshake, this is a common myth. William Chaplin, a professor at the University of Alabama (my Alma Mater) conducted a study and found that firm handshakes are common among extroverts and not introverts. He also concluded that firm handshakes are often used by open-minded women, but both closed and open minded men offered firm grips. I believe Chaplin's hypothesis; however, many people with arthritis, carpal tunnel, broken knuckles, and related injuries often have very soft handshakes. Professionals such as surgeons, pianist, artists, et cetera, are also very careful when shaking hands. These people have little choice when shaking hands, so hand pressure draws absolutely nothing from their personality. If a handshake is too firm, you may force someone to form a negative opinion about you. Whether they rely on their hands for livelihood or they suffer from injury, it doesn't take much strength to make them feel uncomfortable. Many people think that a weaker handshake means a weaker person, so how firm should a handshake be? Well, it's simple, grip someone's hand as firmly as they grip yours.
We often do not think about the space between another while shaking hands, but space is a huge part of building a positive rapport. When shaking hands, getting too close or standing too far away can put the other person off depending on the individual. There is an episode of Seinfeld with a character known as the “Close Talker” who would get well within the comfort zone of Jerry whenever he spoke to him. This was funny because we have all experienced someone breaching our zone and making us feel uncomfortable. I grew up in Indiana, my high school was in the middle of a cornfield and in rural areas like this, the personal space “bubble” is a lot bigger than a person used to a more urban setting like New York. For instance the farmer from Indiana will extend his arm outward, while the New Yorker will bend his elbow and reach out only a few inches from his body. You should meet each of these respectively because leaning into the farmer or away from the New Yorker will be seen as insulting. Mirroring another person is a huge factor in building rapport.
You can now more fully grasp the concept of the handshake. Maintaining a level position, unless the situation calls for a more submissive or dominant position, applying the pressure received, and mirroring the space of an individual will give a very positive impression and build great rapport.
The Four Absolutes of the Handshake
There are four absolute rules one must follow when initiating or receiving a handshake.
First, you must use only one hand, it is a handshake, not a hands shake. This is known as the “politicians” handshake, which attempts to convey sincerity and trustworthiness, but maintains the reverse effect when used greeting a stranger. This handshake can be used, but I only recommend it's usage on people you know well. This handshake can be described as a miniature hug and has varying degrees of intimacy. Placing both hands on their hand is less intimate than their elbow or shoulder. The “politicians” handshake should not be used because people do not generally like being touched by strangers.
Next, you must have absolutely no barriers between you and the person your hand is shaking. Many people reach across tables, food, chairs, and even other people or their own bodies. This is often seen in a business setting and is not conducive to building rapport because it shows a severance of connection with you and the other person.
Making good eye contact is another absolute, but awkward staring is a bad habit. Looking someone in the eye while initiating or receiving a handshake conveys a sense of trustworthiness and you should meet their eyes for about three seconds – which is enough time to build rapport – then look away and back to avoid the awkward stare.
Finally, get a grip! Getting a good grip while shaking hands is essential. Sometimes people will grab your fingers, forcing you into a submissive handshake. In this case, pull away and ask to shake hands again. Usually, I make it into a joke by saying something like, “wow, let's try that again. I don't want to give you the wrong impression.” You don't need to make it a joke, you can simply apologize for having a poor grip and try again. This is good practice for defeating the “upper-hand” and can make or break the first impression.
Obeying these four rules is paramount in initiating or receiving a great handshake. If you want to impress then you should avoid the “politician” handshake, remove any barriers, look them in the eyes, and get a good grip. If these four absolutes are met then you will have no trouble building great rapport.
